Couples therapyProven in research

EFT, Emotionally Focused Therapy

Behind every conflict lies a need: the need to be seen, heard and safe. EFT helps you find that need and act on it together.

What is EFT couples therapy?

EFT stands for Emotionally Focused Therapy. It is a proven effective form of couples therapy based on attachment theory: people have a natural need to connect emotionally with others. When that connection is missing or has been damaged, conflict, distance and pain follow.

EFT does not work with tricks or communication techniques. It goes deeper: together you explore which underlying feelings, fears and needs are feeding the conflicts. By sharing that vulnerability, the connection is restored.

Scientific basis: extensive research shows that a clear majority of couples improve their relationship after EFT, and that most couples see their relationship problems decrease. EFT is recognised by the American Psychological Association (APA) as a proven effective treatment (Johnson, 2004).

When can EFT help?

Patterns form in every relationship. Some patterns bring you closer together. Others drive you apart. Three common negative patterns that EFT addresses:

Attacking and defending

One partner blames the other, who then goes on the defensive. You go round in circles, without anything being resolved.

Protesting and withdrawing

One partner asks for attention in a negative way, the other withdraws. The harder one pushes, the further the other moves away.

Freezing and fleeing

Both of you withdraw. The silence hangs heavy in the air, but neither dares to take the first step.

EFT also helps with infidelity, a lack of intimacy, major life changes or conflicts that keep returning. EFT can be used with a couple, but also one to one.

How does EFT work? The three phases

A course of EFT runs through three phases. The therapist adjusts the pace and the approach to your situation.

Phase 1: De-escalation

You learn to recognise and understand the negative patterns in your relationship. Why do you react with anger when you are actually sad? Which feelings lie underneath? In this phase you both discover which vulnerable emotions are at play and why they are so hard to share.

Phase 2: Connection

The EFT therapist helps you let those suppressed emotions back in and share them with each other. You put your fears and needs into words. This breaks the negative cycle and creates a new, safer emotional connection. Many couples already notice a clear improvement in this phase.

Phase 3: Consolidation

You learn new ways of handling old problems, based on the new connection you have built. This lays a solid foundation for the future, so you are less likely to fall back into the same patterns.

Related complaints

Relationship problems Attachment issues Marriage problems Loneliness Fear of abandonment

Related treatments

Couples therapy IBCT Systemic therapy Schema therapy

Frequently asked questions

How long does EFT for couples take?

EFT runs through three phases: de-escalation, connection and consolidation. The therapist adjusts the pace and the approach to the situation of your relationship. The total length differs per couple and per question. During the intake you discuss with the therapist what your situation calls for and how long the treatment is expected to take.

Does your partner have to take part in EFT?

EFT is primarily a couples therapy in which both partners work together, but EFT can also be used one to one. Sometimes it makes sense to start individually before working as a couple. The therapist will discuss with you which approach best fits your situation.

Is EFT reimbursed by health insurance?

Couples therapy, including EFT, is generally not reimbursed from Dutch basic health insurance. Some supplementary policies cover part of couples therapy. Check the conditions with your own insurer. If EFT is used one to one as part of a recognised psychological treatment, reimbursement through health insurance can sometimes apply.

Which relationship problems can EFT help with?

EFT helps with negative patterns such as attacking and defending, protesting and withdrawing, and freezing and fleeing. EFT also offers help with infidelity, a lack of intimacy, major life changes or conflicts that keep returning. Research shows that a clear majority of couples improve their relationship after EFT.

Moving forward together

You deserve a fair chance.

Book an intake with an EFT-certified couples therapist. In that first conversation you will look together at whether EFT is the right step for your relationship.

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Sources: Johnson, S.M. (2004). The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy · APA Division 12 recognised treatment · Burgess Moser et al. (2016), Journal of Marital and Family Therapy